We can’t take credit for this constructive hilarity. Thanks to Keith Watabayashi (via toptenz.net) for the, um, tips.


10. Seating Yourself

I don’t care if the host is missing. I don’t care if you’ve been here before. I don’t care if you know the owner. There is a rhythm and reason for where you are seated. It’s about equality among the waiters, so no one person gets more tables than the other, and about who is available.


9. Not Complaining

Please don’t smile at me as if nothing wrong when something is. There are few worst feelings than when someone at my table is very nice and polite, then complains to the manager or online after the fact.


8. Offering Life Plans

After a great meal and good service many guests ask me if I’m still in school, what did I study, what do I “really” want to do? And you know what, if I wanted to do something else I would be doing it, maybe I already am. You are not a guidance counselor and if you actually are, I don’t care.


7.  Examining Other Patron’s Food

Every now and then I’ll have a tray of food and someone stops to ask me what the dish is. Great question, I want to tell you about it, I want to showcase our menu. Then this someone will put their face to the dish, and smell it. Don’t do that.


6. Not Asking All At Once

If you want lemon, more napkins, a side of butter, and more water, great, let me do all that for you. If you ask me for each of these things one at a time in the same 2 minute period, go F&^% yourself.


5. Getting Upset That I Don’t Sing Happy Birthday

Not every restaurant is like that place your parents used to take you when you were a kid. Maybe it seems cruel and unfair that I don’t want to (and don’t have to) sing to you now, but we all have to grow up sometime. Don’t take it personally and don’t act like I owe you a song. /this is not American Idol, this is a restaurant and we have our traditions and policies.


4. Not Understanding That We Are Closing


3. Walking your Child

This is not a place to teach your children to walk. Do it outside or better yet, at home. Almost every night some parent either lets their toddler run around or holds their hands while they walk around. Not a good idea. Lots of people rushing, lots of plates, trays, glasses, forks, knives, and many other non-child-proof materials are flying about.


2. Customizing Your Meal

We have a menu for a reason. Chef offers specials for a reason. You are not the cook and this is not your kitchen. Making something vegetarian or switching the starch, no problem. Adding different sauces, baking instead of grilling, salmon instead of chicken, get out of my face with that stuff.


1. Snapping your Fingers