I assure you, you read that title correctly. I found this article the other day whilst perusing the internets. It’s written by a curious gentleman who takes a mixology adventure using his wife’s breast milk to make cocktails. Do I think there is something wrong with this? Yes. Everything is wrong with this.

Sure, I don’t have kids, but that doesn’t matter. I will never drink my (someday) wife’s breast milk. I read this article between gags and chuckles. I gotta give the man credit though, he really goes for it.

As he describes it, “When I saw my daughter suckling contentedly at my wife’s swollen, life-nurturing bosom, I thought, I want to get in on that action, too.”

“Mother’s milk, or at least my wife’s milk, since I haven’t had the opportunity to try anyone else’s, is slightly sweeter than your regular pasteurized cow’s milk, and it’s also got a very slight malty, yeasty edge to it.”

So what did he make, you ask? Well, the first place many of us would go in the world of milk cocktails is, of course, the White Russian, or as he called it, “The Boob Abides.” (The Big Lebowski reference). But he wasn’t satisfied to simply “try” a concoction, he wanted to go further. To experience. To explore. To create something he could drink on the regular. I kid you not. He created a signature breast milk cocktail.

He named it, “Medela Tequila Punch” (Medela being the brand of his wife’s breast pump).

The recipe:

1.5 oz Inocente tequila
1 oz Heering coffee liqueur
3.5 oz breast milk
2 dashes Fee Bros. Aztec chocolate bitters
Shake with ice, strain into a rocks or tall glass with ice cubes, top with powdered cinnamon.

“This one is complex and lovely — the tequila hits you right up front but then segues quickly into the coffee/chocolate/cinnamon combo. I wasn’t sure how tequila was going to combine with milk, and a drier blanco probably wouldn’t have worked well. But Inocente is on the sweet side (in a good, non-cloying way), so it complements the sweetness of the milk. This drink is so good, in fact, that I’m already dreading having to wean the baby — which means my milk supply drying up — even though it won’t happen for several months, if not longer.”

Here’s where I threw up a little. The tequila, the breast milk, too much. I had had enough. I applaud the man’s endeavors, but I’ll stick with a cold beer.