landscape-1447879357-modern-family-thanksgivingCome Thursday you know exactly how it’s going to be. You’ll be sitting around your dining room table – mom’s decorations in full swing. All of a sudden it will hit you. It will hit you just as hard as the football that Uncle Mike just threw at your nerd of a cousin, Teddy.  Your crazy family is a stronger representation of the Griswolds that you ever thought possible and at this point, 4pm on Thanksgiving Day, your family is d.r.u.n.k.

You look to your right, your left, across the table (make some terrible eye contact with unstable Uncle Neil). So here’s where our wheels start turning…what is it exactly that’s getting these characters you share genetics with going? Here’s our predicted breakdown:

Uncle Larry: He’s the one who’s always gargling his throat and making that loud nasal passage noise only old men do when they start to lack regular hygiene. He’s got a Sam Adams in one hand, and a pack of tobacco under the table in the other.

Cousin Stacy: She doesn’t want to be here anymore than you do. In fact, she’d rather be in the parking lot of some sleezy movie theater with the boyfriend with the almost mustache she’s always posting on Instagram. She’s been drinking Gin & Tonic since the parade ended.

Dad: The poor guy is just trying to make sure everyone’s happy. He’s got a glass of wine at the corner of his place setting but you know he and mom are taking swigs of whiskey in the pantry everytime they “check on the pies.”

Aunt Celeste: You can’t help but notice her boobs are just a little more perky than at Nana’s birthday party this past summer. Not to mention the highly inappropriate cheetah sweater she’s sporting matched with her low cut bell bottoms. She’s on her 5th glass of champagne.

Cousin Andy: He moved to the city and now sleeps in his suit and tie. He’s sippin’ on straight vodka (but you know he’s craving something a little more true to his roots — natty ice on natty ice).

Whatever it is, it’s what you got. You didn’t pick them, and they didn’t pick you either. You better catch up!