1. Deflategate: Tommy Boy’s 4-game suspension was upheld this week leaving Patriots fans (and logical people of the world) in agony. Pats-haters are raising a glass to 4 probable wins while Brady supporters are rallying around their golden boy the only way they know how.
2. Amazon Dash: The highly anticipated and much feared quick-buy buttons are now available to Prime members. Their offerings are mostly household focused with products like detergent and paper towels but they also have a button for Kraft mac and cheese. Users are already asking for a drunk protection lock.
3. Zayn: The One Direction Defector officially took his talents to RCA this week, signing a solo contract. The next day his old friends dropped their first track as a foursome. Lock yourself in a room, blast some Rock n’ Roll and try to forget everything we just told you.
4. Cecil the Lion: Zimbabwe’s most beloved lion was killed this week by an American dentist/big game hunter (a combination more classic than pb&j). Everyone is attacking the killer, but what they really want is an apology for being made to wear a retainer in middle school.
5. Key & Peele: The sketch comedy duo announced that this season of their Comedy Central show would be their last. It’s a sad day for the A-A-Rons and D-Nices of the world. Our only salvation is rewatching their old YouTube clips a drinking away the pain.