We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:
1. FIFA: Fourteen people, including nine FIFA officials, have been arrested for corruption and bribe taking. It only took them 24 years to figure it out. We’d boycott soccer, but we unintentionally kind of already do…
2. Murder: Scientists found a 430,000-year-old skull with two wounds indicating a face-to-face confrontation. A.K.A. people have been killing each other for at least 430,000 years. Pour a glass of the good stuff and speculate wildly as to what this old guy did to deserve his fate.
3. Google Photos: The tech giant announced a free, unlimited photo storage option this week. Selfie queens and new moms announced a victory parade in their honor.
4. Lindsay Lohan: The Teenage Drama Queen finally finished her 100 hours of community service and is free of probation. We haven’t seen her this happy since Gretchen was still trying to make Fetch happen.
5. Spelling Bee: The Scripps finals were last night and they ended with a tie for the second year in a row. They just couldn’t decide who was the smartest 8th grader. It’s like how sometimes you can’t decide whether to have beer or wine, so you just have both.