We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:

1. Fall TV: Pretty much every series ever premiered this week and now you have to spend the whole weekend catching up. Fill your liquor cabinet and cancel all of your plans until sweeps week. Our only hope is that half of these shows get cancelled mid-season.

2. Hurricane Joaquin: The tropical storm is ripping up the East Coast bringing flooding and serious damage wherever it goes. But perhaps most upsetting is how low we seem to be running on hurricane names.

3. Facebook: The social network and lifeblood of teens across America was down for about 30 minutes this week. Upon its return, Zuck announced that a new ‘video profile picture’ feature would be available. Bad news for those who liked to take advantage of the perfect selfie angle.

4. Whopper Wine: Burger King announced a new wine to be served by the bottle in Spain that boasts a smokey taste to compliment their signature burger. Disgusting? Probably. But your standards can’t be that high if you’re dining on what is said to be the product of chicken nuggets and french fries “intermingling”.

5. Peeple: A new app claims to be the “Yelp for People” and, unsurprisingly, everyone is furious. Spend your weekend going through your contact list and apologizing to anyone you’ve ever wronged… just in case.