We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:

1. World Records: 251 agave farmers broke the record for most Jimadores working in the same place at the same time this week. Applaud them for their work ethic and thank them for the countless bottles of tequila their harvest will produce.

2. Firenados: After lightning struck a Jim Beam warehouse in Kentucky, the booze lit up and got caught in a horrifying fire tornado. As if losing all of that bourbon wasn’t enough of a tragedy, now we have another natural disaster to fear for all of eternity.

3. Football: Last night’s much anticipated season opener between the Patriots and the Steelers didn’t disappoint. With one game behind us and a whole season to look forward to, it’s time to say goodbye to your personal relationships and say hello to your La-Z-Boy.

4. Colbert: The Colbert Drought finally ended this week when our new favorite Late Night host returned to TV. His premiere was perfect and so we raise a glass to all of the topical one-liners that lie ahead.

5. Apple: Their annual technology showcase brought us the Rose Gold iPhone and gave us a tour of Siri’s new home: The remote. Tally up how many beers you could buy instead of ordering a slightly newer phone then hit the bar to check your math.