We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:

1. Shade Balls: They’re supposed to be Los Angeles’ short term solution to the drought problem. The balls shade water from the sun and, in turn, make it look like a giant Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. If you aren’t living in CA go buy some bottled water in bulk and snapchat it to your LA friends as payback for their mid-winter beach pics.

2. Alphabet: Google is now Alphabet. And Alphabet is pretty much everything. Confused? Bing it.

3. Tinder: The popular dating app had quite the social meltdown this week after a negative Vanity Fair article ran that critiqued today’s hook-up culture. They’re calling it a PR stunt, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still hopelessly single and alone.

4. Sesame Street: The long-running children’s show is finding itself a new home at HBO. It promises to remain the same, kid-friendly program but it’s hard to ignore the possibility of Big Bird revealing himself as a serial killer with a sorted romantic past.

5. Geno Smith: New York Jets fans lost their starting quarterback this week after a locker room disagreement led to a jaw-breaking sucker punch. We’d tell Jets fans to grab a drink but chances are pretty good they’re already drunk.