We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:

1. GOP Debate: 10 frontrunners for the Republican ballot went at it on Thursday night. They talked about some hard-hitting issues: women’s rights, surveillance, hugs. If you made it through your drinking game, you’re likely dealing with a pretty severe hangover today, and we all know the cure for that is another drink.

2. Tarzan: A mud-covered man who is 99.9% sure that he is Tarzan tried to jump into the monkey exhibit at the Santa Ana Zoo this week. That’s what we get for telling kids they can grow up to be anything they want to be.

3. Nick and Kendall: The boy-band-turned-solo-artist heartthrob has reportedly found his match in the ever-expanding swamp of Kardashian DNA. Maybe we’re just Jealous, but if this relationship blossoms into something long term the reality show that results just may destroy us all.

4. Wonderbread: Recent studies have determined that eating white bread and rice can lead to depression. Would you rather enjoy pb&j as it was meant to be consumed or lead a happier life? A real Sophie’s Choice. Weigh your options over a tall glass of something.

5. Jon Stewart: After 16 years together we said #JonVoyage to the king of satirical news. In a big year of television goodbyes, this one seems to sting the most. He left us with the ultimate Irish goodbye: “I’m going to get a drink. I’m sure I’ll see you guys before I leave.” We’ll meet you at the bar.