We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:

1. VMAs: Rivaled only by the Kid’s Choice Awards, the most useless award show in America released nominations this week. It sparked a Twitter war between Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift that turned into a Twitter war between Nicki, Taylor, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, and more people you like to pretend don’t exist. After some apologies it’s not really clear who won, but the real loser here is quality entertainment.

2. Sharknado 3: Speaking of quality entertainment – “Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No” premiered this Wednesday on SyFy. It ended with a cliffhanger that lead to the announcement of Sharknado 4 (hooray?). We don’t want to give any spoilers if you aren’t caught up, but let’s just say if you liked Agent Cody Banks you are in for a real treat.

3. Trump: In a speech this week, The Donald gave out Lindsey Graham’s real phone number. The political world is shedding a tear for what this race has become while The Onion builds a golden statue in Trump’s honor.

4. Southpaw: Jake Gyllenhaal’s boxing movie comes out this weekend. Or as we like to call it: the thinking man’s Magic Mike XXL. Grab some popcorn, blast some Eminem, and believe that your body is also capable of changing from Nightcrawler Jake to Southpaw Jake in a year’s time.

5. Ashley Madison: The website where married people go to have affairs leaked the names of its users this week. We aren’t sure what’s more disappointing: learning your spouse was looking for an affair or learning your spouse was stupid enough to post their affair-seeking face on a website.