We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:
1. The Finals: Whether you’re a hockey or a basketball guy, you’ve got plans this weekend. Say goodbye to all of your relationships except the one with the pizza guy.
2. Miss Piggy: This week, the puppet was honored with the Sackler Center First Award for feminism at the Brooklyn Museum. The jury is still out on whether or not the selection committee knows she’s a fictional talking pig.
3. Twitter Followers: After holding the title for only a month, @POTUS was dethroned by @Caitlyn_Jenner as the fastest person to hit 1 million Twitter followers. You can’t even get your bartender to listen to you.
4. Hellboy: Scientists found the fossil of a 68 million-year-old, previously undiscovered dinosaur in a Canadian river. They’re officially calling it the Regaliceratops Peterhewsi. We’re calling it a great opportunity for a Jurassic World promo.
5. Sepp Blatter: He stepped down this week from his role of FIFA President after a week of criticism and jokes about how much his name sounds like ‘step ladder’. We bid him adieu and cheers to forgetting about soccer for at least another year.