We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:

1. Mila Kunis: She’s being accused of stealing a chicken from a child 25 years ago in the Ukraine. Totally logical. Spend the weekend calling ex-childhood friends and demanding money for all of the times they teased you in the sandbox.

2. Comcast and Time Warner: The merger between the two evil companies came to a halt this week when Comcast decided to walk away from the proposed deal. Drunk dial their customer service, grab a pint of ice cream, and share your breakup stories so they know they aren’t alone.

3. Project Fi: Google announced the launch of their wireless service this week. It promises to cost less money than the competition and make you feel more like a character in 1984 than ever before.

4. Hubble: The Hubble Space Telescope is celebrating its 25th anniversary this week. In that time it has made over 1 million observations and seen the farthest and oldest galaxies we know of. At our 25th birthday we hadn’t even finished watching all 5 seasons of The Wire.

5. Bruce Jenner: His big, exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer is tonight. He’s been on a reality show for 8 years, but this is the first time the public will actually hear what he has to say without being interrupted by his self-centered family. Cheers to that.