We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:

1. Fifty Shades: Watching that guy from The Fall in a theater full of sexually repressed strangers is going to get weird. Fill half of your Coke cup with whiskey to ease the pain.

2. Facebook Legacy: They announced a new feature that lets you dictate who gets access to your account after you die. It’s like a will, but sadder?

3. Jon Stewart: The end is in sight for his Daily Show run, and we’re out of reliable news sources. Here’s hoping nothing important happens ever again.

4. Amanda Knox: Feeling bad about being single on Valentine’s Day? Knox can’t relate. She got engaged this week. That’s right. Someone wants to marry the girl with a Lifetime movie about killing her roommate, and you can’t even find someone to buy you dinner.

5. SNL 40: The long awaited 40th anniversary special is on Sunday. Laughter is guaranteed, but most of your night will be spent praying you don’t age as poorly as Chevy Chase.