We’re not the type of people who need a reason to drink. If we’re breathing that’s reason enough. But for those who need more, here you go:

1. The Kardashians: Bruce is embracing his feminine side, Kim is embracing her backside, and everyone is freaking out about it. The hardest news of all is realizing that we care.

2. The European Space Agency: They landed a spacecraft on a comet this week. Yes, like the movie Armageddon. No, Bruce Willis was not present. 

3. Cy Young: Clayton Kershaw and Corey Kluber won the honor of this year’s Cy Young Awards. Reminding us of how bare our own mantles look. 

4. Merging: Hasbro is looking to buy Dreamworks Animation to create movies about our favorite toys (presumably). Move over, Toy Story, and make room for Nerf Guns: The Movie. 

5. Duck Dynasty: The Musical: Nope, we’re not making another Hasbro/Dreamworks joke. This is for real. It’s coming to Vegas and we’re hoping it stays far far away from us.