Tomorrow’s a day to give thanks. To be with loved ones. To eat turkey and mashed potatoes and pie and deliciousness.
But today is about getting drunk. It’s Drunksgiving y’all!
For those of you who aren’t in the know and need to get there, Thanksgiving Eve is a time when people go back to their hometowns and gather at their nearest townie bar to reunite with old friends and get realllllllllll wasted. (Gif)
If you’ve never taken part, here are the 5 stages of Drunksgiving so you can mentally prepare:
- Awkward Small Talk. You’re 1 drink sober and haven’t hung with these peeps in a while. You’ll be worried that you have nothing in common anymore. You’ll be worried that they’ve changed. You’ll be worried that you’ll have to talk about their ovulation cycles all night long.
- Nope, We Still Got It. After 2 or 3 drinks, you’ll loosen up and remember why they’re your besties
by getting into a serious discussion about how your living room dance routines were the sh*t.
After a few more drinks, you’ll start performing them.
- Duck & Run. At 5 or 6 drinks deep, you’ll most likely spot an ex-boyfriend across the room.
He’ll turn. You’ll lock eyes. He’ll wink. And you’ll realize that after all this time he’s… lame as hell.
And then you’ll duck and run before you have to actually exchange words.
- Picked Up By Parents. The dance routine, the ex-boyfriend ditching, and the 8-10 drinks you’ve
had are giving the bartender vides that you might be ready to go home. In the most dignified fashion
possible, you’ll call your mommy and daddy to come and pick you up. After apologizing profusely
for waking them, they’ll tell you they’re just happy you found a safe ride home,
but they’re really just hoping you won’t puke in their car.
- Total Blackout. You won’t remember this phase, but when you were in it, you passed out on your
parent’s front lawn after many attempts to get you inside. If you have a sibling, they probably took
pictures and posted them on Instagram, but then laid a dusty afghan on your lifeless body because family.
And when you come to on Thanksgiving morn’, don’t forget to be thankful for Drinking in America for helping you get through your first Drunksgiving.